-A container of airsoft bullets for my airsoft sniper rifle.
-A Copy of Gunblade/LA Machine Guns for the Wii.
-Two boxes of window insulation plastic from 3M.
|It's apparent that upon arrival to Eatontown, the package became very confused.|
In their defense, they took the possibility of mail theft very seriously. She was going speak with the mail carrier whom she hinted was a little weird but a good responsible guy. I assured her I wasn't interested in dating him but if he knew what happened to my mail we could go from that point. She said that there have been problems with deliveries at my complex in the past and they were going to convert to DEFCON 3 as a precaution. I believe also she mentioned that the doomsday clock read 2 minutes to midnight.
When I reported back to Sam what the post office said. Sam thought it would be prudent to elevate this to DEFCON 2. She typed up an short word document which she taped to every apartment door in our immediate vicinity, one on the mail box, and also for good measure put one up the laundry room. Essentially this was a tactical nuclear guilt trip armed with a 200 megatons of contrition. That Trust was placed in our neighbors and that Trust was stripped naked, thrown in the stocks, molested, and ridiculed while being smeared with feces. Someone better return our package and Trust's clothes because we were calling the authorities because mail tampering is a federal offense.
It also did not help that around this time we noticed that one of the neighbors put up window insulation on their windows. So instantly, they became our prime suspect. It also did not bode well that was the only apartment who did not respond when Sam knocked on their door the other night. Those assholes, stealing our packages, then having the nerve to utilize its contents so blatantly.
A couple days later I got a phone call from the post office woman. She had spoken to the mail carrier and he delivered the package to our old apartment because we had just moved. He saw the name on the package and delivered it based on where he thought we lived not based on what the new address read. That evening he visited our apartment to basically apologize and reiterate what the woman had told me over the phone. He seemed a little weird, but a good responsible guy so I could not really be angry at him. He handed me a paper which gave directions to make a formal report that our mail was indeed stolen.
Later that night Sam went out to do laundry. She noticed the letter she put up in the laundry room was no longer there. When she returned to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer. Tony appeared. He engaged her in his typical small talk. He mentioned he was upset that we never told him we were going to move. She maintained that we really did not move away we just moved to another building. She then told him that we were not obligated to tell him anything and it wasn't like we would never see him again. Somehow the conversation moved to the topic of mail being stolen.
He wanted to report that "those teenagers" were at it again. These were the same possibly fictitious people who months before he reported to the police. "Those teenagers" had broken into his rust heap and stolen an astounding one thousand dollars worth of tools from its bungee cord secured trunk. That along with grand theft auto and vandalism "those teenagers" were now going around stealing peoples packages. Is there no end to "Those teenagers" rampant evil?
It was residents like "those teenagers" which made the complex not safe to walk around at night. Sam had no choice but to agree with him. Sam quickly left him there and returned to the apartment to tell me the story. We now had to consider that "Those teenagers" might in fact be a personality within his diseased mind or at least a delusion.
|We are looking at evidence of a |
very sophisticated operation.
At least that was the story he was going to give us. The thief cleverly only took a piece of cardboard with our correct address and a packing list that provided them with some reconnaissance as to what MIGHT be in our apartment listed on the cardboard.
"Those teenagers" now know we have a Wii. Except we have a Wii to which we are buying incredibly silly outdated games. (A game that was later beaten pretty thoroughly in a single evening and a half a bottle of bourbon between my friend Keith and I.) So what sort of electronics could we have in our apartment that 90% of the other apartments in the complex would probably have as well?
|All accounted for, mostly.|
"Those teenagers" now know I have windows and my apartment is really fucking cold. Two boxes of window insulation why exactly do I have so many windows? Could my windows be stolen and sold? Or is their value hidden in the way of simply smashing them like Tony's van?
In reality, Tony saw our package. Stole it, Opened it and left it in his apartment. He has no use for a Wii game without a Wii. So until GameStop accepts electronic trade ins and offers Lairds Vodka in return the game is worthless to him. He probably has no use for 0.12g plastic Airsoft Pellets (nor do I for that matter because at long range they have no accuracy or power). As for the window insulation, this is the same guy who in the dead of winter walks around without a jacket and I have seen on multiple occasions with his front door and all his windows open playing music loudly. I suppose now that he has window insulation he is going to suddenly care about keeping his apartment warm. No.
|Like the Apollo 11 crew when they |
returned from the moon our package
may have unknown foreign illnesses
& parasites on board.
It would spend the next week quarantined on our porch. Our table cloth was laundered and the area around the table and rugs were vacuumed. To this day we have no fleas or bed bugs.
Better luck next time Bonnie.