Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Postcard #226: The Book of...

My therapist gave me homework. Which at the time of writing this postcard is due tomorrow. I do not think I'm going to complete this assignment which is essentially supposed to be me writing a letter to my father. I am supposed to put aside any voice I have to self-censor and write about what a terrible person he is/was... Everything that I can remember write it down. I cannot think of anything. My dad is a bit of a flake. But honestly, he is not a bad person, just a bit of a passenger to things. Lots of promises. Lots of straight to voicemails. Lots of sitting at dinner tables without the prep or clean up.

Sent to my good friend PR. I waffled about posting this.  I still am. I looked up the definition of flake just in case I was wrong.  I don't think my father was always a flake.  Time changes people.  Perhaps I can call him that because I can identify with it because I too am a bit of a flake. I also think I am giving myself too much credit.  No one reads this blog.  This is undeniably my fault since I never post and never really attempt any outreach.  Hmm.  Sounds a bit flaky if you ask me.  

I have since gone to that therapy session I mentioned without my homework in hand.  The therapist commented that I misunderstood the assignment anyway he had wanted me to essentially write an autobiography in a month.  Start from my earliest memory and walk back (forward?) to the present date.  Everything I can remember.  I look back on my life and I see a lot of fog.  I just can not remember anything.  Maybe I did just too good a job at compartmentalizing that I forgot where I left it?

Postcard #225: OR Virginity

Hey. I don't know about you but I would totally go see DB sing in Vegas if I could. The first time I was in an operating room was my 3rd semester of nursing school. I remember being led into the OR at this 12 OR community hospital. "Don't touch the blue." I remember the tech handed me her dance card for the first time in my life. She spun and tied herself up I took the card and put it directly into the trash hanging off the field. Contaminating her trash. A concept at the time that was so foreign to me... She had to rip her garbage off the field... I felt so fucking stupid. She laughed and was patient with me.  I then got to observe a case where a vascular surgeon debrided a foot abscess. After washing it out for a minute he placed the pulse lavage gun against the dorsal side of the patient's foot, lifted the foot and shot water through the patient's foot and hit me and a[nother] student with water through the plantar side of the foot. I guess since I found this funny instead of gross it was a good thing.

Sent to another friend and coworker.  I still remember that tech who handed me my first dance card and explained how someone can contaminate trash.  She was an LPN I remember.  B. Bland.  She eventually started working weekends.  I wonder if she is still there or if she finally retired.  I found her here.  She certainly taught me to be patient with first-timers in the Operating Room.  

Postcard #224: squirrel.

I've probably written about this before... But I kind of hate squirrels... It's been replaced a bit by a hatred of moles. But...these rats with furry tails? Eh. Don't get me wrong I'm not swerving at them in my car but I'm not swerving too hard out of their way if they run in front of me. My grandfather used to feed them peanuts out of his hand. I just know how destructive they can be once they get in your house. My old house in NJ once got infected with them at a point in the house that would have required a cherry picker to get at them. BB guns are considered firearms in NJ. Airsoft guns are not. I researched the most powerful airsoft rifle and painful ammo that I could afford. I would sit in my living room, inebriated, shooting them when they poked their heads out of the ceiling drywall. I once littered my yard with pumpkins just to lure them. I was in a dark place. I realize that. None died but harm did reach them.

Sent to a friend and former coworker in Bend.  This is a true story.  The house no longer stands.  It is on the verge of being foreclosed upon.  Did the squirrels win?  I still have the rifle.  Occasionally I will see a squirrel in my backyard doing something it shouldn't sneaking into the chicken coop or eating flowers or veggies.  I think...Tom.  Go get your gun.  And part of me wants to run and go grab it.  But the effort it takes now...makes me feel old.  

Postcard #223: First Round

Everyone is supposed to be straight edge until they are 21. I seriously was... Maybe I did not do the dumb X's on my hands or listen to Minor Threat or the Gorilla Biscuits. (I'm kind of amazed that I remember those bands.) The first bottle of alcohol I bought was a bottle of Kahlua to make mudslides with my then-girlfriend (now wife) a few weeks after my 21st birthday. I had tasted alcohol but I was so afraid of not being in control of my own body or actions... It would give me panic attacks. So I never drank or took drugs. I know now that is a characteristic of OCD. But I've also learned that drinking fixes that. I don't drink as much as I used to.. fatherhood fixes that. Who the fuck has time for that? Get well man I'm glad you are doing better. Much love... And "thoughts and prayers"...

Sent to a friend and coworker who is out sick.  I think the last time I was absolutely obliterated was before I came out to Portland.  We were trying to reduce what we had in our liquor cabinet before we moved and I was attacking bottles nightly.  Sometimes draining the dregs of two bottles or more a night.  There is a video I filmed of my wife dragging me through our apartment by my feet while I laughed hilariously at my inability to function.  I want to say I am not proud of this but it is an event in my life and I am glad I did not require an alcohol detox on my trip out west.  

Thursday, January 20, 2022

Postcard #222: "SAD"



12/8/21 (rainy) 41゚
 I love this time of year. I get to pretend to myself and lie to others that the "gray" that lurks in my head year-round…

Can be blamed on precipitation or Earth's angle in relation to the sun or the clouds in the sky and their color or how much daylight there is or how cold it was that day…

 A fantasy that if my cards are played right, the unweather holds out… I can easily get half a year of self-delusion out of it. 

Sent via postcrossing to Broomstick.

So this person was the latest postcrosser to stress me out.  She doesn't want metered stamps.  She would like postcard artwork but only if it's your artwork... no adult coloring book pages.  I did not even have to look at her wall to know she was some sort of postcrossing veteran who has reached the point in her hobby where she can gatekeep postcarding for other people.  Yeah.  Over 1000 postcards.  Does postcrossing send people an official gatekeeper badge after a certain number of cards sent?
I should not have sent her this card.  
The past 3 cards are over 3 months overdue.  Yeah.  A lot of that is my fault.  90% But...some of that is this person's fault.  Reading this profile and imagining myself as someone whose only way to express themselves might be to color in some adult coloring books...then this bird comes along and tells them their art isn't good enough for her.  
Ugg.  And don't get me started on the stamp thing.  
She actually encouraged me to go and look at my profile to see if I was doing this to anyone.
I am on medication now since writing this postcard.  I am still deluding myself though. 

Postcard #221: Happy


I found these stickers in a desk I bought. I hope to restore it enough to actually use it when I write postcards.

I sat down to write this card with a clear intention to write about something happy.  Something bright and yellow like this postcard. I am simply drawing a blank. What does that mean? It confuses and scares me simultaneously. I am not working today. But I am working tomorrow. I have 3 people I have to write postcards for… I am a week overdue. But I didn't manage to find a card that was yellow and happy. That's more than I have for the other 2 people. One of them is stressing me out but it's self-induced stress. I wonder if I put that sort of stress on other people?  But regardless thank you for asking me to look for a happy yellow postcard. It was an important exercise.

Sent via postcrossing to Ryukin.

To give you some perspective how old these postcards are...the desk I mention here is already fixed.  And up in my gameroom/office.  I am in there right now looking at it.  

Postcard #220: Self Improvement


Conversations with my daughter (3.5 yrs)…. a series

"Daddy?" She asks looking up from an ice cream cone. 

"Yes?" I ask. 

"How are you going to make yourself better?"

I chuckled. I know there are tons of things I could do to make myself better. Read more, lose weight, exercise more. But I was curious. 

"What should I do to make myself better?" 

She mirrored my smile back and said drawing out the first word. "Well… you can go hang yourself in that tree?"

 I laughed… we, laughed. 

 Sent via postcrossing to pawarisa_kang.

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

Postcard #219: the Expendables

I sent this card to a friend of mine who has been under the weather. I am not posting the text of this card because...well yeah. HIPAA? IDFK. 

I'll probably borrow the themes of it and send it to someone else in the future.

Postcard #218: Bad Kitty

I lived in Miami, Florida for what I would define as my "formative years." My parent's house had a screen porch. Cats and dogs would be able to access it through a special "doggy" door. Having a lot of animals and food outside have the added "bonus" of attracting other animals. Possums. Raccoons. And of course, other cats. There was this BIG orange cat who spent months terrorizing my cats. One night the cat had come onto the porch and cornered my cats and was simply beating the hell out of them. Biting. Scratching. The commotion was terrible. My father went outside with a broom and cornered this massive Orange cat. My young childhood memories remember my father with a Marlboro cigarette in his mouth chasing this cat and all the vet bills he caused to my other cats. He lined up a shot and swung the back end of the broomstick so hard that when it came in contact it snapped in half. He missed. He hit the screen, ripped it, and broke the broom on the ledge. The cat never returned.

Sent via postcrossing to LauBrice.  She wanted cats.  I hope this cat will suffice.  I get the feeling she might not like the story.  Oh well.  

Postcard #217: Dumb


I had to run some errands with my daughter. Oregon has a mask mandate. As you pull further out from Portland proper… people get more… "red." Science becomes more of an opinion or a feeling. So it is amazing how quickly I get distracted when I see people maskless. They are looking for confrontation it seems. They make eye contact. They walk around with their chests out. My brain starts calculating how much of it is oppositional defiance disorder, antivax/provax, prayer warrior bullshit, libertarian/deep state/redstate, lumpenproletariat assery, or just general absent-mindedness.  I work in an operating room. I've worn masks all day every day for over a decade. So, while it's important to wear masks to reduce the spread of covid believe me when I say that part of me just doesn't wanna see anyone's dumb face with their dumb mouths and dumb teeth. I certainly don't want to engage in a debate with them to hear their dumb opinions.

Sent Via postcrossing to hooraybeltran.  I had to taper my desire to write a postcard about Star Trek Voyagers Robert Beltran...Commander Chakotay.  As though he gets that alot or something?  Somehow I doubt he gets asked if he is related to Robert Beltran.  He does have a good user name though.  
My wife said that when she is out with our daughter she has taught her to ask my wife loudly "Mommy, why does that person wear a mask?" or "Why does that person want to get sick mommy?" at anyone she walks by them.  What a perfectly passive-aggressive thing to wield in Portland.  I am going to have to try it.

The card itself is from the Portland Peculiarium.  I have spent waaaay too much money there.